The secrets of managing anger are hard at times for most of us. They often hurt. They can also be helpful. Here’s how to reap the good and leave the bad.
We all know the situation: something happened that made us upset, we go over it in our mind, we blow our top, we say things we don’t mean, and we exhaust ourselves.
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Anger, of course, has its place. After all, as researchers have found, it alerts you to the fact that something may be wrong and can help motivate you to take action in the face of unfairness.
However, it also takes its toll. It increases our blood pressure and heart rate and cellular inflammatory processes and — when it happens too frequently — leads to an increased chance of anxiety.
Not to mention that it just makes us mad and ruins our day — or even weeks and months if you harbor resentment for a long time.
So how can we reap the benefits of anger without succumbing to its dangers? Forgiveness. Sounds simple but research shows there is a lot to it.
Research shows that people who are more forgiving have fewer negative emotions overall and therefore tend to do better in relationships. Another way it improves your social life is that forgiveness tends to make people kinder and more giving.
Also, research shows that forgiveness can help you let go. It can help you move on from upsetting situations more easily so you can reap full enjoyment of the other aspects of your life. You lighten up.
Not surprisingly, people with high emotional intelligence are good at self-regulating and helping others regulate emotions in interactions. If you’re still working on developing EI, fret not. Anyone can learn to sit on their feelings in social settings.
Try these strategies to maintain your composure when your conversation partner is losing theirs.
Managing anger … know who to watch out for
Before any conversation heads into the red zone, make a mental checklist of the people in your life with whom you should stay quiet. There may be some you’ll have to stay quiet with more than others, such as:
Short fuses
We all know someone who goes from zero to pissed off in about four seconds. Refraining from yelling right back is a start, but it’s important to stay quiet, too. Don’t throw gas on the fire by trying to argue with someone who’s already upset.
Venters
These folks are usually not angry, but they say things like ‘Can you believe it?‘ And rant on from there. They are not as problematic as the short fuse because they might not completely mean what they say. They aren’t looking for a conversation, either, so it’s best to stay disengaged.
Those who look for arguments
You know the type, spoon-fed speech and debate practices, these people will take an opposing position just for the sport. A good recommendation is never to engage them because a large percentage will even argue with themselves.
Contentious people
This is a bucket category that can include your soapboxing Uncle Jim to your stand-up-and-sneer office mate. Plan to play dumb in the future.
Don’t be a know-it-all
Playing dumb is simple, right? Just remain quiet until you can duck for cover in the restroom or retreat to your desk.
We exert a profound influence on interactions with what we don’t say, type, or forward.
Feel free to correct someone to prevent a mistake. Never correct someone to make yourself look or feel better.
Hide emotions
When your conversation partner has egg all over their face, your impulse to the eye roll, shake your head or even arch a brow needs to be kept firmly in check.
Actions do speak louder than words, so a straight face and a silent tongue are both necessary to diffuse the heat.
Don’t push an argument
You probably can’t use silence exclusively without making an angry boss or client even angrier. Use attentive silence to signal that you are paying attention. If you can’t keep quiet, say things like “I hear you” or “I see this has upset you” and other phrases that demonstrate you’re listening without escalating.
Managing anger … let go
This thing that seems like the end of the world right now? It’s not I promise. Stressing out about the situation you’re in won’t do any good because you’re already in it, so just let it go.
Breathe
The next time you’re faced with a stressful situation that makes you want to hurry, stop what you’re doing for one minute and perform the following steps:
- Take five deep breaths in and out.
- Imagine all that stress leaving your body with each exhale.
- Smile. Fake it if you have to. It’s pretty hard to stay grumpy with a goofy grin on your face.
Focus on relaxing
After your breathing session, perform a quick body scan to identify any areas that are tight or tense.
Clenched jaw? Rounded shoulders? Anything else that isn’t at ease? Gently touch or massage any of your body parts that are under tension to encourage total relaxation.
The big picture
The next time you find your stress level skyrocketing, take a deep breath, and ask yourself:
Will this matter to me…
Next week? Next month? Next year?
My opinion is it most likely won’t. I bet most of the stuff that stresses you wouldn’t matter even the next day. Stop agonizing over things you can’t control, because you’re only hurting self-control.
Don’t seek perfection
You’re not perfect, and that’s okay. Show me a person who claims to be perfect, and I’ll show you a wicked liar. Demanding perfection of yourself (or anybody else) will only stress you out because it is not possible.
Being excitable freaks people out
With almost every company I’ve worked, I’ve noticed a consistent pattern: Things are remarkably calmer on the executive “floor.”
And that’s counter-intuitive, because the stakes are higher, the decisions graver, among the executive elite. After all, these folks have further to fall, yet when the going gets tough, the volume doesn’t amplify.
Interestingly, I didn’t learn this rule until I got assigned to this floor. Until then, I believed that my excitable nature proved I cared; I confused stress with passion. But that’s wrong: Being “fired up” is a long way from being “freaked out.” That’s why it’s important to understand the difference, in both yourself and those you lead.
After all, your team members long for calm in you and them. So, don’t stop with yourself.
Acknowledge reality
More than anything, your team needs to know you “get” it, regardless of what “it” may be. Otherwise, they’ll think your head is in the sand. When you calmly state the issue and its implications, I promise the team will breathe a sigh of relief.
Be consistent in your values
Great leaders stay true to their values when the going gets tough. If “customer service is #1” has been your rallying cry, and you start engaging in shortcuts when budget pressures loom, you’ll find that your team will be confused at best.
So, don’t change course. Instead, ask, how do we maintain our commitment to a great customer experience, given these new parameters?
Look for one-off solutions
The chances are that someone is sitting on an idea that is so crazy it might just work. Give that someone an opportunity to share. Then help calm him or her down, by asking great questions and considering how the idea could be best executed.
The bottom line
When the going gets tough, our tolerance for failures decreases. In many well-intentioned leaders, that tolerance disappears altogether.
Ironically, it’s the toughest times when we need it most. Our 18th failure is going to be much harder than the second was. So, help your team stay calm. And keep learning.
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Mike Schoultz is the founder of Digital Spark Marketing, a digital marketing and customer service agency. With 40 years of business experience, he blogs on topics that relate to improving the performance of your business. Find them on G+, Twitter, and LinkedIn.
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