What Emotional Intelligence Looks Like in Everyday Life
In 1995, psychologist and science journalist Daniel Goleman published a book introducing most of the world to the nascent concept of emotional intelligence,
The idea–that an ability to understand and manage emotions greatly increases our chances of success–quickly took off, and it went on to greatly influence the way people think about emotions and human behavior.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others.
It is generally said to include three skills: emotional awareness; the ability to harness emotions and apply them to tasks like thinking and problem solving; and the ability to manage emotions, which includes regulating your own emotions and cheering up or calming down other people.
But what does emotional intelligence look like, as manifested in everyday life?
Emotional Intelligence … think about feelings
Emotional intelligence begins with what is called self- and social awareness, the ability to recognize emotions (and their impact) on both yourself and others.
That awareness begins with reflection. You ask questions like:
What are my emotional strengths? What are my weaknesses?
How does my current mood affect my thoughts and decision making?
What’s going on under the surface that influences what others say or do?
Pondering questions like these yield valuable insights that can be used to your advantage.
Self-regulate emotions
We all have emotions which drive us, and there is nothing we can do to avoid them. People who are good at self-regulation, however, can manage their emotions so that they do not control their words and actions.
While they feel bad moods and impulses as much as anyone else, they do not act upon them. People who act upon their negative feelings create havoc, disruptions, and lasting bad feelings all around them.
We feel before we think and people who constantly react from an emotional state never wait long enough to allow their thoughts to override their emotions.
People who self-regulate have the ability to wait until their emotions pass, allowing them to respond from a place of reason, rather than simply reacting to feelings.
The signs of someone who is good at self-regulation are a reflection, thoughtfulness, comfort with ambiguity, change, and not having all the answers. In an interview, look for people who take a little time to reflect and think before they answer.
Emotional Intelligence … pause
The pause is as simple as taking a moment to stop and think before you speak or act. (Easy in theory, difficult in practice.) This can help save you from embarrassing moments or from making commitments too quickly.
In other words, pausing helps you refrain from making a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion.
Control your thoughts
You don’t have much control over the emotion you experience at a given moment. But you can control your reaction to those emotions–by focusing on your thoughts. (As it’s been said: You can’t prevent a bird from landing on your head, but you can keep it from building a nest.)
By striving to control your thoughts, you resist becoming a slave to your emotions, allowing yourself to live in a way that’s in harmony with your goals and values.
Emotional Intelligence … learn from criticism
Nobody enjoys negative feedback. But you know that criticism is a chance to learn, even if it’s not delivered in the best way. And even when it’s unfounded, it gives you a window into how others think.
When you receive negative feedback, you keep your emotions in check and ask yourself: How can this make me better?
Authenticity doesn’t mean sharing everything about yourself, to everyone, all of the time. It does mean saying what you mean, meaning what you say, and sticking to your values and principles above all else.
You know not everyone will appreciate your sharing your thoughts and feelings. But the ones who matter will.
Create empathy
The ability to show empathy, which includes understanding others’ thoughts and feelings, helps you connect with others. Instead of judging or labeling others, you work hard to see things through their eyes.
Empathy doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing with another person’s point of view. Rather, it’s about striving to understand–which allows you to build deeper, more connected relationships.
All humans crave acknowledgment and appreciation. When you commend others, you satisfy that craving and build trust in the process.
This all begins when you focus on the good in others. Then, by sharing specifically what you appreciate, you inspire them to be the best version of themselves.
Give helpful feedback
Negative feedback has great potential to hurt the feelings of others. Realizing this, you reframe criticism as constructive feedback, so the recipient sees it as helpful instead of harmful.
Make apologies
It takes strength and courage to be able to say you’re sorry. But doing so demonstrates humility, a quality that will naturally draw others to you.
Emotional intelligence helps you realize that apologizing doesn’t always mean you’re wrong. It does mean valuing your relationship more than your ego.
Emotional Intelligence … forgive and forget
Hanging on to resentment is like leaving a knife inside a wound. While the offending party moves on with their life, you never give yourself the chance to heal.
When you forgive and forget, you prevent others from holding your emotions hostage–allowing you to move forward.
Keep commitments
It’s common nowadays for people to break an agreement or commitment when they feel like it. Of course, bailing on an evening of Netflix with a friend will cause less harm than breaking a promise to your child or missing a major business deadline.
But when you make a habit of keeping your word–in things big and small–you develop a strong reputation for reliability and trustworthiness.
Emotional Intelligence … help others
Emotional intelligence examples.
One of the greatest ways to positively impact the emotions of others is to help them.
Most people don’t care where you graduated from, or even about your previous accomplishments.
But what about the hours you’re willing to take out of your schedule to listen or help out? Your readiness to get down in the trenches and work alongside them?
Actions like these build trust and inspire others to follow your lead when it counts.
Protect from emotional sabotage
You realize that emotional intelligence also has a dark side–such as when individuals attempt to manipulate others’ emotions to promote a personal agenda or for some other selfish cause.
And that’s why you continue to sharpen your emotional intelligence–to protect yourself when they do.
We’ve learned that emotional intelligence is a critical skill for both leaders and employees. But several studies point to just how important EQ can be to success, even trumping IQ and experience.
Research by the respected Center for Creative Leadership (CCL) in the U.S. found that the primary causes of executive derailment involve deficiencies in emotional competence.
Each year, CCL serves more than 20,000 individuals and 2,000 organizations, including more than 80 of the Fortune 100 companies. It says the three main reasons for failure are difficulty in handling change, inability to work well in a team, and poor interpersonal relations.
International search firm Egon Zehnder International analyzed 515 senior executives and discovered that those who were strongest in emotional intelligence were more likely to succeed than those strongest in either IQ or relevant previous experience.
Research that has been done on the relationship between emotional intelligence (EQ) and IQ has shown only a weak correlation between the two.
The Carnegie Institute of Technology carried out research that showed that 85% of our financial success was due to skills in “human engineering,” personality, and ability to communicate, negotiate, and lead.
They found that only 15% was due to technical ability. In other words, people skills or skills highly related to emotional intelligence were crucial skills. Nobel Prize winning Israeli-American psychologist Daniel Kahneman found that people would rather do business with a person they like and trust rather than someone they don’t.
People would rather do business with a person they like and trust rather than someone they don’t, even if that person is offering a better product at a lower price.
The bottom line
The next big thing always starts out looking like nothing at all. If it was easy to see coming, everybody would be doing it already and the market impact would be minimal. So you can never create something truly new based on what you already know. The only way to find it is to start looking.
Not all who wander are lost. The trick is to wander with a purpose.
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Mike Schoultz is a digital marketing and customer service expert. With 48 years of business experience, he consults on and writes about topics to help improve the performance of a small business. Find him on G+, Facebook, Twitter, Digital Spark Marketing, and LinkedIn.
