Intelligence, or IQ, is largely what you are born with. Genetics play a large part. Social intelligence (SI), on the other hand, is mostly learned. SI develops from experience with people and learning from success and failures in social settings. It is more commonly referred to as “tact,” or “common sense.”
Our society puts a huge emphasis on book smarts and IQ, but our relationships affect a much bigger part of our lives.
In her novel, The Painted Drum, writer Louise Erdrich discusses taking risks:
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and being alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You have to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes too near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.”
And building strong social relationships is worth the effort:
Strong relationships improve our immune system and help combat disease.
Loneliness and weak relationships are one of the major sources of stress, health problems and depression.
Our relationships affect every area of our lives–from colleagues to spouses to friends to kids.
Social Intelligence, as a concept, was propounded by psychologist Edward Thorndike in 1920. In his own words, Social Intelligence is “the ability to understand and manage men and women, boys and girls, and to act wisely in human relations.”
So, by the very definition, the concept relates to both the cognitive aspects (the ability to understand people) and practical aspects (ability to deal with and respond towards them).
In years to come, Moss and Hunt defined it on similar lines as “the ability to get along with others.” P. E. Vernon in 1930s carried it forward by describing it as:
“Social intelligence is reflected in the general ability to get along with people in general, social technique or ease in society, knowledge of social matters and susceptibility to stimuli from other members of a group, as well as insight into the temporary moods or underlying personality traits of strangers.”
You might not know what makes someone socially intelligent, but you could surely recognize someone who isn’tin a conversation or two.
When someone doesn’t possess social grace, they often don’t recognize boundaries, consider the perspective of anyone but themselves, or do not take care to communicate with accuracy and straightforwardness.
Socially intelligent people see themselves as a part of a whole, and socially intelligent leaders understand that the same applies to their businesses and careers.
Here, the main characteristics that make them stand out.
Social intelligence … value principles over passion
Socially intelligent leaders are not the type of people who have big ideas but no strategy to achieve them. They do not make promises they cannot keep; they do not propose solutions that they know aren’t realistic or feasible.
They value principle more than they do passion and understand that the latter is more hindering than it is helpful.
Rather than judge or be perplexed by the actions of others, they always consider whysomeone is doing what they are. Human behavior is only mysterious until you understand what individuals are inherently motivated by.
Develop social intelligence
It takes effort and hard work. Begin by paying more attention to the social world around you. Work on becoming a better speaker or conversationalist. Networking organizations, or speaking groups, such as Toastmasters, are good at helping develop basic communication skills.
Work on becoming a more effective listener, through what is called “active listening” where you reflect what you believe the speaker said to ensure clear understanding.
Most importantly, study social situations and your behavior. Learn from your social successes and failures.
Utilize social intelligence examples.
Social intelligence … conversational skills
You can easily spot someone with lots of SI at a party or social gathering because he or she knows how to “work the room.”
The highly socially intelligent person can carry on conversations with a wide variety of people. These represent what is called “social expressiveness skills.”
Knowledge of social rules
Socially intelligent individuals learn how to play various social roles. They are also well versed in the informal rules, or “norms,” that govern social interaction.
In other words, they “know how to play the game” of social interaction. As a result, they come off as socially sophisticated and wise.
Social intelligence … effective listening skills
Socially intelligent persons are great listeners.
As a result, others come away from an interaction with an SI person feeling as if they had a good “connection” with him or her.
Great people watchers, individuals high in social intelligence attune themselves to what others are saying, and how they are behaving. This is to try to “read” what the other person is thinking.
Understanding emotions are part of Emotional Intelligence, and Social Intelligence and Emotional Intelligence are correlated.
Social intelligence … role-playing
The socially intelligent person knows how to play different social roles. This permits him or her to feel comfortable with all types of people.
As a result, the SI individual feels socially self-confident and effective.
Social intelligence … management skills
Persons with SI are concerned with the impression they are making on others. They engage in a delicate balance between managing and controlling the image you portray to others.
This is being reasonably “authentic” and letting others see the true self. It is the most complex element of social intelligence.
Social intelligence … social triggers
Let’s start with your social awareness. People and places trigger different emotions, and this affects our ability to connect. Think about a time you felt excited and energized by an interaction.
Now think of a time when you felt drained and defeated after an interaction.
The Low Road is our instinctual, emotion-based way we process interactions. It’s how we read body-language, facial expressions and then formulate gut feelings about people.
The High Road is our logical, critical thinking part of an interaction. We use the high road to communicate, tell stories and make connections.
Why are these important?
The Low Road guides our gut feelings and instincts. For example, if people didn’t come to your birthday parties as a kid, you might feel a pang of anxiety when thinking about your birthday as an adult–even if you have plenty of friends who would attend.
Your High Road tells you that you are a grown-up, and things have changed, but your Low Road still gives you social anxiety. These are called social triggers.
You should be aware of your unconscious social triggers to help you make relationship decisions. Knowing your Low Road social triggers helps your High Road function.
Positively infectious
When someone smiles at us, it’s hard not to smile back. The same goes for other facial expressions. When our friend is sad and begins to tear up, our own eyes will often get moist. Why?
These are our Low Road response to people. This is why Debbie Downers bring us down with them–the scowl and our brain unconsciously copies it making us feel depressed along with Debbie.
Hang out with people whose moods you want to catch.
If moods are catching, gravitate towards people who will infect you with the good ones!
Social intelligence … learn to adapt
Our Low Road automatically reflects the people around us. This is how empathy works. Our brain copies the people around us, so we feel as they feel.
This, in turn, helps us understand them, where they are coming from and even be better at predicting their reactions.
Sometimes our High Road gets in the way. For example, if our partner is angry at something we try to stay calm. Then we try to calm them down.
Usually, this makes it worse. The upset person feels you ‘don’t understand’ or you ‘don’t get them.’ Why? Because you are fighting your instinct to mirror their upset.
Sometimes you should let yourself adopt their emotions. Put yourself exactly where they are.
This might give you a new glimpse into their perspective and helps them see that you are on the same page as them.
Friends make you healthy. The prescription for a long, healthy happy life is positive relationships.
Our partner, our friends, our colleagues our kids, they support our soul as well as our immune system. Investing in your relationships is worth the effort.
Social intelligence … choose your words carefully
A person with a high social IQ understands that the way they present information or an idea is often more important than what the message is.
It is impossible to inform against ignorance when anger is clouding a person’s ability to listen. Insults, talking down to, or disparaging people with different ideas and perceptions incites anger.
Anger puts a listener on the defensive. A defensive audience is no longer listening.
Acknowledging other perspectives and perceptions while offering examples from your point-of-view goes much further than stirring up anger and conflict.
Do not waste time arguing
Arguing is often a pointless exercise. There is a world of difference between arguing and having a discussion where both parties are interested in learning and are receptive to the ideas of one another.
Arguing is a waste of time and energy. It can be better invested in doing anything else. It is a waste of time to try to force information on a person who is not interested in listening or learning.
A person may pick a fight because it lets them use their anger as validation for their perceptions or beliefs.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that because we feel passionate about something, we must automatically be right. That isn’t the case.
Social intelligence … listen to understand
Listening is an important skill to hone and implement. Far too many people engage in conversations but do not actively listen or consider what the other person is saying.
Instead, they are merely waiting for their turn to respond, to vent out their perceptions or beliefs, without giving due consideration to what is being said.
And that is not counting the people who divide their attention by not looking away from their television or smartphone to focus on their conversation partner.
Focus on the conversation. The hearing is more than just listening because you’re not letting the conversation flow in one ear and out the other.
Social intelligence … embrace criticism
It can be difficult to face criticism, be it constructive or not. Constructive criticism is a valuable tool for honing one’s craft, whatever it may be.
An audience is always going to have opinions and criticism, and though we would like it to be kind or spoken well, that isn’t always the case.
Rarely use absolutes in communication
An absolute statement is a good way to instigate an argument because very few things in life are completely black or white. There are always things we don’t or can’t know.
It’s good to be confident in the delivery of a message or a conversation, but a person with high social intelligence is going to be aware that they can be wrong.
The easiest way to avoid inciting an argument or causing another person to go on the attack is to not use absolute statements unless it is necessary.
Even then, you can still expect someone to find fault with the message and attack because many people out there love to argue.
Social intelligence … apologize when wrong
A person with high social intelligence is going to understand and acknowledge when they are wrong. They know that it is not worth wasting valuable time arguing over nothing or dodging responsibility for being incorrect.
Everyone is wrong from time to time. Sometimes we make bad choices, choose the wrong words, or simply aren’t aware of all of the facts.
The person is going to be able to gracefully accept an apology when it is fair and right to do so. Not every apology is equal.
Sometimes people will use an apology as a way to try to escape responsibility for a bad action or choice they willfully made.
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Mike Schoultz is a digital marketing and customer service expert. With 48 years of business experience, he consults on and writes about topics to help improve the performance of small business. Find him on G+, Facebook, Twitter, Digital Spark Marketing, and LinkedIn.
