We are losing our listening. We spend roughly 60 percent of our communication time listening, but we’re not very good at it. We retain just 25 percent of what we hear. Let’s define listening as making meaning from sound. It’s a mental process, and it’s a process of extraction. We all can have effective listening skills , can’t we?
We use some pretty cool techniques to do this. One of them is pattern recognition. (Crowd Noise) So in a cocktail party like this, if I say, “David, Sara, pay attention,” some of you just sat up. We recognize patterns to distinguish noise from the signal, and especially our name.
More details to stimulate thinking: The Story and Zen of Getting Things Done
Differencing is another technique we use. If I left this pink noise on for more than a couple of minutes, you would cease to hear it. We listen to differences; we discount sounds that remain the same.
And then there is a whole range of filters. These filters take us from all sound down to what we pay attention to. Most people are entirely unconscious of these filters. But they create our reality in a way because they tell us what we’re paying attention to right now.
Let me give you one example of that: the intention is very important in sound, in listening. When I married my wife, I promised her that I would listen to her every day as if for the first time. Now that’s something I fall short of on a daily basis. But it’s a typical intention to have in any relationship.
We’re becoming impatient. We don’t want oratory anymore; we want sound bites. And the art of conversation is being replaced — dangerously; I think — by personal broadcasting. I don’t know how much listening there is in this conversation, which is sadly very common.
We’re becoming desensitized. Our media have to scream at us with these kinds of headlines to get our attention. And that means it’s harder for us to pay attention to the quiet, the subtle, and the understated.
This is a serious problem that we’re losing our listening. This is not trivial. Because listening is our access to understanding. Conscious listening always creates understanding. And only without conscious listening can these things happen — a world where we don’t listen to each other at all is a very scary place indeed.
So I’d like to share with you tools you can take away with you, to improve your conscious listening.
Effective listening skills … we spend a lot of time listening
Adults spend an average of 70% of their time engaged in some communication. Of this, research shows that an average of 45% is spent listening compared to 30% speaking, 16% reading, and 9% writing. (Adler, R. et al. 2001). That is, by any standards, a lot of time listening. It is worthwhile taking a bit of extra time to ensure that you listen effectively.
Based on the research of Adler, R., Rosenfeld, L., and Proctor, R. (2001)
Interplay: the process of interpersonal communicating (8th edn), Fort Worth, TX: Harcourt.
Effective listening requires concentration and the use of your other senses – not just hearing the words spoken.
Listening is not the same as hearing, and to listen effectively; you need to use more than just your ears.
Listening is the ability to accurately receive and interpret messages in the communication process.
Listening is key to all effective communication. Without the ability to listen effectively, messages are easily misunderstood. As a result, communication breaks down, and the sender of the message can easily become frustrated or irritated.
If there is one communication skill you should aim to master, then listening is it.
We listen to obtain information. We listen to understand. We listen for enjoyment. We listen to learn. Given all this listening we do, you would think we’d be good at it!
In fact, most of us are not, and research suggests that we remember between 25 percent and 50 percent of what we hear. That means that when you talk to your boss, colleagues, customers or spouse for 10 minutes, they pay attention to less than half of the conversation. Isn’t amazing fact it?
Be fully in the moment
Have you ever been speaking to someone and found that they are distracted by something and not listening to you? You probably thought this was annoying, frustrating, and disrespectful. At that point, you may have even become angry or shut the conversation down.
When someone is speaking it is vitally important to be fully present and at the moment with them. If something else is on your mind, like a call you have to make, or a text you need to answer, let them know, do what you need to do, and when you are finished let them know you are ready to listen.
When listening pay attention not only to the words but the tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. This will give you information that will be as important as the words themselves.
Effective listening skills … practice active listening
Most people are thinking of how they are going to reply when someone is talking. Instead of doing that, try to focus completely on what the person is saying. Pretend that you will be tested on how much of what they were saying you heard and understood.
A good exercise to practice is to sit down with a family member or a good friend and practice simply giving feedback to them of what you heard them say. You will notice that it gets much easier to focus on their words when you aren’t worrying about how you will respond.
Keep an open mind
Listen without judging the other person or mentally criticizing the things she tells you. If what she says alarms you, go ahead and feel alarmed, but don’t say to yourself, “Well, that was a stupid move.” As soon as you indulge in judgmental bemusements, you’ve compromised your effectiveness as a listener.
Listen without jumping to conclusions. Remember that the speaker is using language to represent the thoughts and feelings inside her brain. You don’t know what those thoughts and feelings are and the only way you’ll find out is by listening.
Don’t be a sentence-grabber. Occasionally my partner can’t slow his mental pace enough to listen effectively, so he tries to speed up mine by interrupting and finishing my sentences. This usually lands him way off base, because he is following his train of thought and doesn’t learn where my thoughts are headed.
After a couple of rounds of this, I usually ask, “Do you want to have this conversation by yourself, or do you want to hear what I have to say?” I wouldn’t do that with everyone, but it works with him.
Don’t interrupt and don’t impose your “solutions”
Children used to be taught that it’s rude to interrupt. I’m not sure that message is getting across anymore. Certainly, the opposite is being modeled on the majority of talk shows and reality programs, where loud, aggressive, in-your-face behavior is condoned, if not encouraged.
Interrupting sends a variety of messages. It says:
“I’m more important than you are.”
“What I have to say is more interesting, accurate or relevant.”
“I don’t care what you think.”
“I don’t have time for your opinion.”
“This isn’t a conversation, it’s a contest, and I’m going to win.”
We all think and speak at different rates. If you are a quick thinker and an agile talker, the burden is on you to relax your pace for the slower, more thoughtful communicator—or for the guy who has trouble expressing himself.
When listening to someone talk about a problem, refrain from suggesting solutions. Most of us don’t want your advice anyway. If we do, we’ll ask for it. Most of us prefer to figure out our solutions.
We need you to listen and help us do that. Somewhere way down the line, if you are bursting with a brilliant solution, at least get the speaker’s permission. Ask, “Would you like to hear my ideas?”
Give the speaker regular feedback
Show that you understand where the speaker is coming from by reflecting the speaker’s feelings. “You must be thrilled!” “What a terrible ordeal for you.” “I can see that you are confused.” If the speaker’s feelings are hidden or unclear, then occasionally paraphrase the content of the message. Or just nod and show your understanding through appropriate facial expressions and an occasional well-timed “hmmm” or “uh huh.”
The idea is to give the speaker some proof that you are listening, and that you are following her train of thought—not off indulging in your fantasies while she talks to the ether.
In task situations, regardless of whether at work or home, always restate instructions and messages to be sure you understand correctly.
Pay attention to nonverbal cues
If you exclude email, the majority of direct communication is probably nonverbal. We glean a great deal of information about each other without saying a word. Even over the telephone, you can learn almost as much about a person from the tone and cadence of her voice than from anything she says.
When I talk to my best friend, it doesn’t matter what we chat about, if I hear a lilt and laughter in her voice, I feel reassured that she’s doing well.
Face to face with a person; you can detect enthusiasm, boredom, or irritation very quickly in the expression around the eyes, the set of the mouth, the slope of the shoulders. These are clues you can’t ignore. When listening, remember that words convey only a fraction of the message.
Listen to the central ideas, not for all the facts
Experienced leaders develop a sense for noticing the most important information conveyed by their people. They hear the main themes and ideas from their employees. If you notice the major ideas, then often the facts “come along” with those ideas.
Demonstrate listening skills by paraphrasingParaphrasing and summarizing are both fantastic communication skills that help you to make sense of a speaker’s points and also allow you to demonstrate that you are listening closely.More to learn: 10 Positive Thinking Ideas from Peers and MentorsFor example, if your colleague talks for five minutes about her current difficulties on your shared project, you might try saying something like:“So, you’re feeling very frustrated that your feedback isn’t being taken into account, and you’re hoping to organize our team in a way that facilitates more frank discussion.”Although this sounds like a simple listening technique, it can show that you “get” the other person. It can also go a long way toward preventing misunderstands and misattributions.The bottom lineThe examples of effective listening skills are all around us. All we have to do is be open minded in how we look and how we apply the best lessons learned.The biggest mistake people make when it comes to listening is they’re so focused on what they’re going to say next or how what the other person is saying is going to affect them that they fail to hear what’s being said. The words come through loud and clear, but the meaning is lost.A simple way to avoid this is to ask a lot of questions. People like to know you’re listening, and something as simple as a clarification question shows that not only are you listening, you also care about what they’re saying. You’ll be surprised how much respect and appreciation you gain just by asking questions.Now it’s your turn. What are the best listening skill ideas you have seen lately? Need some help in capturing more improvements for your staff’s leadership, teamwork and collaboration? Creative ideas in running or facilitating a team or leadership workshop?Call today for a FREE consultation or a FREE quote. Learn about some options to scope your job.Call Mike at 607-725-8240. |